some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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