When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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