A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it's like heaven, but drunker
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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