Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
