So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
