Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
