I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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