when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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