It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
