remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
