you would pick up someone in the library
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
