I'm going to jail i love you
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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