Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
