yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
