I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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