i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
