her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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