I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
