When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
