drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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