Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
