I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
