I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
