He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
