Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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