i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
