I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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