I can feel you judging me through the phone.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
