My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
