I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
