It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
