Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
