i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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