So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
