one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
