You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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