I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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