Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize