My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
