There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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