Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
