Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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