a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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