My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
