i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
