i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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