11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
