i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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