I wish my penis had an off switch
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
