i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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