Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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