she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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