ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
