my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
