I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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