so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
