Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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