I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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