I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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