when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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