Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
