Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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