i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
