Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
