i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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