I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
