life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
