can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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