so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
bring money and cleavage
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize