Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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