He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
