Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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